As Is My Heart
by peachmikey11
Summary: About the scene at the plane in Unfinished Buisness. :


As Is My Heart

**A/N: Just an oneshot connected to the plane scene. Which was SO ADORABLE! :D With a few things I put in. (From Neal's point of view)**

I can't do this. I can't. I don't want to see that dang plane anymore. I don't want to see another plane. But I have to. I have to find out who killed Kate. I have to find the man responsible for taking her away from me just before I could finally be with her. I have to find the person that wanted _me _dead, and wants me dead now-

_No_. Don't do that.

I open my eyes and put up the barriers I work so hard to maintain so everything will think I'm ok. So everyone will see the old sassy Neal Caffery that existed those months ago. Before it happened. Before Kate was gone. Before the plane that _I _was supposed to be on exploded. Just…before. It seems like it's been forever since she died, and yet I know it's only been a few months. I want to be alright. I try to act alright, but I can't. I'll never be alright. Not until I find her killer. Only then will I be satisfied. Somewhat.

I hide in the shadows trying to prepare myself. I don't want Mozzie to ever speak right now, but just soon enough, he speaks.

"It's clear."

His voice is soft and I know he's just trying to be nice cause he's knows that-well he knows. He knows I'm not okay and I'm pretty sure he knows I might break. But I can't focus on that cause I have to come out. I have to come out of the shadows, out of the hiding, out to reality. That's when I see it.

All my barriers break and I feel tears coming, but I swallow hard and blink violently in an effort to keep them at bay. I can feel the shakes coming back, my hands are flying on there on and my heart races. I have to concentrate to breathe, and I take deep breathes because if not I'm afraid my emotions will boil over and expose themselves. The remains of the plane are broken, in pieces, dismembered, lonely, dark, ashy and gray. As is my heart.

My eyes can't tear away from it as I imagine Kate in the wreckage and what I was supposed to be going through with her. I was supposed to be right there. With her. I imagine her sitting there with her face out the door, waving-

A hand touches my shoulder and I hardly move. "Come on." Mozzie directs me though as I move away from the rail, my eyes stay on the plane. I finally tear my gaze away, and follow Mozzie down the stairs, my mine in a haze. I drag my feet to the plane in the same fuzzy mind set.

It just gets worse up close. I can see it more clearly now. I see the damage to the plane, and I can't stop myself from thinking about Kate in all this. All this….

I feel my face lose it's feature even though I try to maintain myself. My legs go weak and I can't get any air. I can't breathe. My shaking hands fall to my knees, water brimming my eyes. I start to lose my balance-

"Hey, you okay?" Mozzie places a hand on my back and I bolt upright walking away.

"Yeah, yeah. Kate was sitting on the left side," I stutter, point my hand out and it shakes violently. Then I remember to breathe again. "By the window."

She was sitting on the left side. She was sitting right here. She looked at my through the window. She saw me and I saw her. She smiled at my through this door and I smiled back. She waved at me and I waved back. She was right there. After all that had happened, she was right there. After all the searching, all the countless late nights looking and thinking, I had finally found her. She was right there.

But…she's gone.

I sink to the floor and squat, afraid I would fall standing up. I want to cry right here. I want to rip down these walls I put up and fall apart. I want to breakdown where no one will see and cry. I want to let the tears run forever right here. Right here where Kate was standing. Where she waved. Where her voice was present. Where she smiled. Where she breathed.

Where she died.

Where _I _should have died. But didn't.

This should be where I was standing. Where I smiled. Where I breathed. Where we laughed together.

Where _we _died. Together. Wrapped in the warm of each other's arms as the flames consumed us.

**Ok well I might post some more(about the rest of the scene) but ONLY if I get reviews cause otherwise, there won't be any use! Thanks for reading!**


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